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I had previously heard from my friends in other universities about the Week of Guided Prayer Retreat that the Jesuit Institute runs, and had longed for the opportunity to attend and grow in my understanding of what prayer looks like in the rhythms of day to day life. As such, I find it greatly providential that in my final year of university, I have had the chance to attend a Week of Guided Prayer.
I came into the retreat fresh out of my final year examinations; finding myself in a season where I was greatly desiring rest, and a reset of my prayer life. I had also been struggling to find a space where I could reflect, wrestle and come to terms with the season of my university life ending, and transitioning into a new season of being a working adult – and was hoping that the retreat would create a space for me to unpack these things.
However, it seemed that God had other plans, which retrospectively, were so much better than the plans that I had for myself. Over the week, He gently revealed to me the truth of His loving and tender nature, one which I had begun to forget since my last retreat a year ago. I was gently guided by my prayer guide to enter into a time of Ignatian Contemplation through a prayer which encouraged me to see myself as a statue, and to listen to the words which Jesus spoke to me. As I was praying, the image which was brought to light was that of my statue filled with many hairline cracks, cracks which I was uncomfortable to face. However, as I continued praying about this - I noticed that as Jesus came to inspect my statue, He did not shy away from the cracks, but rather, leaned into my brokenness and was unafraid to gently caress these parts of me. It was this particular time of prayer which spoke deeply to my heart, bringing about a deep sense of discomfort as I came face to face with my own brokenness, but also bringing about a recognition that God Himself, my Creator, was unafraid of my brokenness, instead embracing it even when I myself was afraid to do so.
As I continued to dwell in this discomfort, I was led to read chapters 2 and 4 from the Song of Songs – where I came across the Word of God made alive, speaking deeply and personally to me in the discomfort. It felt like Jesus was speaking to me personally, as He said “Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, come with me!” (Song of Songs 2:1), and, “How beautiful you are, my darling!” (Song of Songs 4:1). These very words spoke gently yet deeply into the truth of my belovedness, giving me a glimpse as to how Jesus is truly the lover of my soul, and how He loves and embraces me in all of my imperfections. As I continued to bring this into prayer, I saw how He gazed at me with deep love, a gaze which I have not received elsewhere.
I left the retreat with a deep contentment of heart, in coming back to my identity as a beloved daughter of God, and with immense gratitude and awe as to how the Creator of our Universe loves me with such an immeasurable love. And as I step into the rhythm of life once again, despite the many changes that I will go through in the next few months, I hold on to the truth with great confidence as to my belovedness, and how this accompanies me throughout my life, regardless of my circumstances!
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Natasha Low is a 5th year student at the University of Birmingham (UK), studying Medicine.
